Hi, remember me?

It's been a busy couple of days. I got a new car! Whee! Well not new of course, but new to me. It's fabulous and wonderful and it doesn't smoke, and it has heat, and I don't have to carry water around to fill up the radiator every 10 miles, and the rubber seal on the door isn't flopping down in my face, and the cruise control works, and and and it's great! It's a 98 Chev Prizm, and although I am anti-American car apparently this one is ok because it has a Toyota engine, says the man I love who knows...who is coincidentally the man with the funds..so..there ya go.

I love the place we bought it at, it was just a rinky dink little mom and pop type operation on West Colf*x - a place I usually avoid because I just don't trust them. But these guys were absolutely fabulous. There was none of the dickering and dinking around and bravado that we got at so many other big places. Mark never tells people he is a car salesman, but they know from his tone and his attitude, plus the buzz words that he uses that they are not dealing with an ignoramus. Over the past few days we have driven cars, loved them, sat down to deal and walked out, all within about 15 minutes. It pisses me off that you tell them right off the bat what you have to spend, and then they have you drive something - only to get you to the table and find out it is nearly twice as much. What the hell are they thinking?

So we found this car at cars.com, among several others we headed out to look at today. Mark took the day off (he's so damn sweet!) because the Taurus is dead dead dead. I can't even tell you how bad it was driving home from work (wow - I work!!) the other day. Getting another vehicle became an emergency, as I have to be able to get to work. I'm actually on call on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and could be called in at a moment's notice. I can't rely on the other folks in this house with wheels, cause Lord knows they're never home!!

So anyway, get this...they were asking 6998 and we got it for 3500. Yes, my man is a car salesman and I'm proud of it. He knows how to work these people and he knows what they're doing - in front of us and behind our back. But saying that, I gotta say that this car shop was probably the best experience I've ever ever had buying a car. We didn't have to play games with them at all.

So before all this wonderful car shopping I had to go down to the limo shop and pick up a paper that I needed to have to apply for my airport clearance. We took that out to the airport - (Side note - we saw no less than 8 cop cars on our short jaunt on Pena Blvd. Most of them already had folks pulled over. Do not mess around out there..!) Then we got the car, then I had to go for a DOT Certification physical - oh boy wasn't that just fun in a big fat bun?

First of all I had to pee in a cup. Fine. So I get in the bathroom and start "going" - completely forgetting about the cup. I'm like "Oh, shit, I'm supposed to be catching this!" lol. I managed to get a dribble in there - enough for them to tell me my sugar's a little high. No, really? Do tell....

Then.

I swear to god this is why I can't pass a polygraph. I must be so susceptible to the power of suggestion...

The doc goes to take my blood pressure (which has never ever ever been high) and says:

You know, other than the urinalysis, this is the only part of your physical that could prevent you from getting your certification"

dun dun dun. I could actually hear my blood pressure rising after that comment.

Puff puff puff puff - psssttt....puff puff puff..psssst - - he's looking at the dial, and I am too, because I know how to read the pressure, even if I'm not the one doing the listening. It's high. I guessed 150 over 90. He says 160 over 96. Damn.

It's too high to pass.

He decides to give me a few minutes to "calm down." Calm down? Have you ever ordered someone to calm down? If you want someone to become out of control, just tell them to calm down. Works every time.

When I took my first polygraph ever, I had nothing - I mean nothing to worry about. I had interviewed for a local sheriff's dept as a property clerk. I had been upfront with my interviewer about anything that could trip me up on a polygraph. He said "don't worry at all. We know most people have done pot, and other drugs. We know people steal from their jobs. - we just want you to be completely honest. If you answer honestly, you'll pass - no matter what you are saying yes or no to, unless it's something that could be considered a felony."

Great. I got nothin to hide. Let's get this over with, and then show me my desk.

Is this your real name? yea. Are you a fugutive? no.

Then. He totally fucked me up. He stopped the machine for a second and said:

"Are you trying to regulate your breathing?"

Uuuhhh. Well, I wasn't...till you said that.

At that moment my every thought was consumed with my breathing. I was hyper sensitive to every inhale and exhale. Each breath became suspect, even to myself. Am I regulating my breathing? No, I am breathing normally. I smoke, I always breathe this way. lol.. - And what is regulating your breathing, anyway?

Immediately my breaths became shallow. Then drawn out. Then absent. I could barely hear the questions. Iiiinnnnnnn ouuuuttttt. Iiiinnnnn ouuuutttt. Chest rise and fall. Equal breaths. AM I breathing? I'm not sure. Yes, I am. I am forcing myself to breathe. Forcing yourself to breathe is as effective as forcing your stomach to digest. It's part of your autonomic system. (thank you EMT school) - It just happens.

More questions.

Have you smoked pot? yea. Taken items homes from work? sure. More than 500 dollars worth? no.

He stopped again. "You are not breathing normally. You have to relax and breathe normally."

When someone commands you to breathe normally, you can do anything but.

More questions. - - Have you exported drugs out the country? haha, no. Have you ever worked undercover for the military? mmm, lemme think..nope. Ever committed a felony? not yet.

So then it was over and he said I failed. "It appears you are lying about your military history and whether or not you have exported drugs out of the country."

What?

I told him - "I'm anti-military and I haven't been out of Colorado for 17 years, since I was 16 years old, and I've never even been out of the country.

But it didn't matter. A fail is a fail is a fail. I took 2 more tests on different days with the same guy, for the same job. They really wanted me. But I kept failing. I could not get the thought of breathing normally out of my head. I've taken 6 polygraphs all together over the years, and failed every single one. Thank God none of them were for something I was suspected of doing and didn't do. I'd be in prison wearing my hair in a mullet and calling my roommate "sweetheart".

So the long away around this topic is that the doc took my blood pressure four times, after repeatedly telling me to relax - and calm down. Finally he got a reading that was a teeny tiny smidge under the wire. Not enough for my certification, but enough for a 3 month temporary "stay", and I have to go back and retest in April. Pass the Valium.

I rode with Mark tonight to Fairplay to show dydy the new wheels. She loved em, of course. I know she chewed on her fingernails nearly as much as I did about that damn Taurus.

I am driving the big cars again tomorrow, with another driver - more training. This time we will have a real passenger tho. I'm actually doing two runs to the airport, and one is to pick up someone who's been in the news. Ack. I can't ever ever ever say who's been in the car.

But...damn I bet this guys shoes are big. I wonder if we're taking him to a hotel - or to court.

Mark laughed when the dispatcher called cause I was writing down what my assignment was and I said "what's that passengers name again?" She repeated it. I had to clarify - I was thinking to myself "I can't be hearing this right..." - "um...could you spell that?" I think I ended up asking her 3 times.

So this has been my wonderful exciting day. I have a lot more to talk about, but it's late and I'm beat.

By the way - if you see me driving around in my new Prizm wheels, stick out your thumb and I'll pick you up. We'll turn on the cruise control and the heat, and go get a slurpee.

PS - Amanda's husband Justin got a huge raise today...nearly 20%. This will be such a turning point for them, they've budgeted really well, but still have hit a few bumps in the financial road. Yay Justin!

And one more thing - - Katie is the greatest greatest ever. She cleaned my bathroom - spit shine style and even scrubbed the floor behind the toilet on her hands and knees. Thanks SOO much Katie!

No you can't have her. Get your own.